Home

Choo is home from the hospital and has been placed on seizure medication. Hand, foot & mouth is running through our house full force now. Choo is home but the girls have fevers of about 103.

We had a trip planned this weekend (just to Chicago) to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary on Friday. Now I think we'll be bunkered in with three sick kids. Any suggestions for a romantic celebration in that context?

In the midst of this I'm trying to formulate a post on the new Donaldson report....BBL.

Scared

As a parent one of the scariest things is seeing your kids get hurt. We've been through a major emergency but I wasn't prepared for this.

Last night Choo Choo had a febrile seizure. It was the longest two minutes of my life. His little body was completely tense and twitching, he was gasping for air-his lips turning blue and his eyes were rolled back into his head. I thought the ambulance would never come.

After being discharged from the emergency room we came home at 3 am to try to get some rest. At 5 am he had another one. This time only about a minute but just as scary.

The main indicator if a child will be prone to febrile seizures is family history. Something as foster and adoptive parents we have very little access to.

Snuggle Puppy

So this past weekend we actually took the plunge and *gulp* gave away all of our baby clothes. Now even if they told me the biggest sob story I'll have to say no (and I NEED to say no) and not take another baby. It actually doesn't feel as huge as I thought...more natural than anything. It's quite funny to me that most "typical" couples would include some form of birth control in their family planning at this point, and we are just passing on supplies as our family planning technique. LOL

To keep you updated on CJ's case.....well first let me say that I LOVE this bouncy baby boy. Oh does he have my heart in his hands. He is SOOOO my snuggle puppy.

His mom has been missing court since she got out of rehab and for the first time, dad missed too. The judge discussed taking the case out of the special drug court program and we're expecting that to happen at the next court date. I'm hoping that will make the situation better. As it is the SW actually said last week "I think mom is using" and mentioned that CJ's sister was home at the time. Yet still did nothing to protect the little girl! As a mandated reporter shouldn't I report that? To whom? The social worker that told me? GRRRRRRRR Really guys, I feel that I should do something, but what? What's better... getting dragged into this failed system or watching your mom get high on heroine?

A big GRRRR to the system

So I've been waiting to blog about this for a while because I was hoping that this would be resolved quickly. But that would be asking too much of a disorganized mess of a system.

CJ has cerebral palsy, strong hypertonia from neonatal abstinence syndrome and now hip displasia. He wears a hip brace twice a day during naps and all night. We will be picking up his new leg splints this week. He receives an hour of Physical Therapy and an hour of Occupational Therapy a week. He goes to CP clinic once a month at the local Children's hospital and sees other specialists regularly.

His request to be catagorized as a medical needs foster child was turned down. WTF? His SW said (and yes I'm paraphrasing) but he's so fat and happy! OMG

We now have to get even more records....which is soooo easy when you're not the legal guardian (ask Baggage) get the pediatrician and therapists to write letters and then we can try to appeal the request.

You gotta be kidding me.

Just so you know

I'm done.

CJ will be my last foster child.

The rollercoaster of emotions is too much. The worry is too much. The grief and loss is too much. I can't do this any more.

I'm tempted to give away all my clothes and supplies to the Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition's KidStore so that I really am unable to take another placement. If I decide later on to adopt (private adoption) I will buy new things that belong only to that child and don't have the memories of lost children attached to them.

There is no straw that broke the camels back. Just a realization that enough is enough.

June Hair

When I'm doing a long term hairstyle (anything I want to last for 3 weeks or more) I build it up and take it down. With Jo's current hairstyle the first few days I just cornrowed the front and had the back in piggy poofs. Then I did a few box braids in the back and added beads. Then the next step in the hair style I'll put it in piggies. A few days later I will change the beads. Then a few days later I will divide and rebraid the back box braids so there are more, smaller braids. This time I then put all of the braids into two buns. This is my newest favorite style. I love Jo's hair in piggy poofs but getting it to stay clean and pretty is a challenge now that her hair is so long. This new style allows me to have that look and it stays nicely for days with minimal upkeep for me. I love it. (do you see her lip scar in the picture? my poor baby)

School stuff

Lili will be continuing to attend her special language preschool during the summer session and the first day is Wednesday. We've decided (budget be damned) to send Josie too for this semester. She is always so excited when we drop Lili off at school and I'm hoping she'll still be excited Wednesday.

This past weekend we went to a kids birthday party that was held at one of those big-inflatable-bouncy-things places. We almost had Lili stay home with DP because we figured she would just throw a fit and get overwhelmed. Boy did we call that wrong. Lili had an all out, no fear, more-more-more, blast and a half. Josie on the other hand was scared of everything and didn't participate at all (well except for blowing out the birthday girls candles mid-song) and was uncharacteristically shy. I'm still searching their bedroom for the alien pods because these are not my children. Who came down and switched personalities on me? LOL

CJ had his first IFSP (like an IEP but for kids under 3) meeting today. With his CP diagnosis he qualifies for any services he needs. He already has PT once a week and now we'll be adding OT once a week as well. His SW attended the meeting and told us that mom relapsed this week. More self help meetings were added to her goal plan. *sigh* I don't know if she's gonna make it. This isn't a good sign. Sorry baby boy.

The Rollercoaster Ride

I haven't done an update about CJ in a while because, well everything changes daily. This roller coaster ride has so many ups and downs. I've learned not to hold my breath....but I still worry more than I should.

CJ's siblings were almost put into care but great-grandma stepped up and took them back. But this past week they were with mom at a visit again.

Parents were supposed to be starting weekly unsupervised visits. They didn't do what they needed to at the last minute. They have lost momentum and are not making much progress in their case plan.

DFS proved that mom "ghosted" her drug test. She took a substance that makes your test come back clean. They can't do anything about it but note it in the report. They can't screen any future tests to see if she's still doing this.

Mom is beginning to give up hope and asked that her mother be given custody. Grandma wants mom to "clean up her own mess for once". I get that she's not trying to enable her daughter any more, it scares me that he could spend years bonding with us and then she'll decide to step up.

Sometimes I'm really glad that we only get calls for babies. When we were first approved as foster parents I thought that the greatest need would be for older sibling groups. We are open to kids up to 8 years old, 2-3 siblings. Because I can be home with the kids we only get calls for preemie and special needs infants. The sleep deprivation gets to you ....but I don't know how I would protect/buffer an older kiddo from all these worries.

CJ has been seeing a barrage of specialist to rule out a prenatal stroke or brain bleed.
Today the letters were finally put into his chart.

C.P.

Cerebral Palsy

Sunshine Girl

Sunshine Girl On A Rainy Day has written an informative post about the foster child catagory being dropped from the next US Census. Please stop by her place and read this important post. I've written my representative and I hope you will too.

Sue 'em

An adoptive mama in New Jersey is sueing DFS for not protecting her abused and traumatized daughter while in their care. Check out the full story here

"Individual lawsuits are pretty rare," Zalkind said. "You have to have someone who is willing to represent the child, and so often kids don't have that kind of support or advocacy."


It seems like so many foster care reform efforts fall short of making any big changes. A lawsuit doesn't seem like a bad idea. If you get hurt at work there is a recourse. As an adult if someone assaulted you -you could press charges. You could demand restitution through a civil suit.

Sometimes I really don't understand why the neglect/abuse that brings kids into care isn't cause for a criminal case. Even now in CJ's case, his SW has said if the same information was being brought in front of a criminal judge instead of a family judge there would be jail time. Why is it okay if kids are involved? I really don't understand.

Maybe if every kid who was not protected while in care was able to sue.... Maybe someone would listen. Maybe something would change.

Resources

In the foster care world foster/adoptive families are often called "Resource families". After yesterday's placement call and the impending placement possibilities of CJ's sibling(s) and Ekida's soon-to-be-born sibling I'm trying to decide how much of a resource we are.

How much can we handle emotionally? What is the best decision for our family right now? How much can we give of ourselves? I've written before about "The need is the calling" but the need is so great I personally will never be able to fill it. How much can one family do? I don't know.

I'm usually a very logical person. I define a problem, list a set of criteria that would define the answer and then test conclusions based on that logic. There is no logic here. These are tough decisions. Today I'm agonizing over things that are really beyond my control.

A Call & IEP's

Another call for a placement. Sometimes it just breaks my heart that we are needed so badly. This call was for the little one mentioned in this post back in mid February. He needs to be close to the children's hospital as he now waits for a bone marrow transplant. The call was just a message on the answering machine so we will get more information tomorrow and make a decision. It seems like too much to take on right now but we'll wait for more info before we say no to him. The fact that she's calling us means that they are having problems finding a place for him to stay.

Today we received a copy of Lili's IEP(Individualized Education Program) in the mail. In evaluating children with special needs there are a number of areas of developmental delays/disabilities that qualify SN kids for an IEP. Seven areas in fact. Lili qualified in 6 of the 7 areas:
1. Vision
2. Health/Motor
3. Speech/Language
4. Social/Emotional/Behavioral
5. Cognitive/Adaptive Behavior
6. Academic/Pre-academic Achievement

The only area she did not needs services/adaptations was Hearing. Is this a good time to mention that we're going back to the ENT to get new ear tubes in and see if all these ear infections has caused any permanent hearing impairments? Oy Vey.

....and some good news for a change.... Lili's IEP meeting in late January was the last time her Receptive and Expressive language were tested. At that time she scored 19 months in Receptive and 18 months in Expressive. She was tested again today at the language based preschool she has been attending since then and her scores were at 36 and 30 months. Those are HUGE gains in just 2 short months. Yeah Lili! Not so long ago I was dreading what starting preschool would mean. Now I can't be happier with her transition and her improvement. Yeah again!

Missouri's Waiting Kids

Just some sad facts today:

Who are Missouri's children waiting in the foster care system?

11,681 children are waiting in foster care
29% of foster children are between ages of 0 and 5
30% of foster children are between ages of 6 and 12
41% of foster children are between ages of 13 and 21
Average number of birthdays a child spends in foster care: 2 birthdays (26 months)
55% of children experience three or more foster care placements
15% (1,773) of children live in group care or institutional settings

What are Missouri's foster children waiting for?

6,095 (52%) are waiting to be reunified with their birth families
3,192 (27%) are waiting to be adopted
Average time foster care children have been waiting to be adopted: 36 months

Where did Missouri's children go after leaving foster care in 2004?

6,047 children exited foster care
3,374 (56%) were returned to their parents
1,337 (22%) were adopted
842 (14%) left to live with relatives or via guardianships
329 (5%) "aged out" of foster care at 18 or older
165 (3%) left for other reasons (ran away, transferred, died)

*Data from AFCARS (2004), ASPE Claims Reports (2005), and ACF Budget Reports (2005).

Talking to foster/adoptive kids about their story

I've been wanting to make a book for each of the girls that tells the story of their history with age appropriate information. The perfectionist in me has procrastinated for months, I wanted to draw it in Corel, edit it in Photoshop and have it professionally bound. This week I just sat down and got it done. I used blank 4x6 index cards, Sharpie markers and a simple photo album. It doesn't have any words so the story can be told orally and changed as they understand more.

Jo loves her book and wants me to read it over and over again.

Dream Home ....take 2

So this past week DP and I have been mulling over the idea of renovating a house. Why? You ask? Well, as a foster parent my family expands and contracts at a quick pace. Read A Call and add to that ....CJ has two older sisters that may come into care. I say may....but that's another post to write about.

It's only an idea that we have been lightly considering because we do love our house and there is not much on the market to entice us into action.

But it brings up the notion that we could possibly keep adding to our family unexpectedly through new sibling births. Jo's mother should be past childbirth age now and Lili's mother should be able to parent any future children....but new placement's siblings? That opens up a whole new chapter in our lives.

A Call

My last placement, Baby Ekida, was moved to the foster home that had her older sibling. I was just updated by her CASA worker that her case will be moving to terminate parental rights and recommend adoption by the foster parents. I'm happy that she will have some permanency rather quickly and that she will share her life with her sibling.

I'm sad to hear that her family may need us again. Mom is pregnant and they have asked if we would be willing to take the new baby when it comes into care. We said yes. The other foster family is unable to take any more children and they know that we will maintain sibling contact.

I don't know if we will actually get called, mom has tried to hide this pregnancy and she left the state to give birth to Ekida in order to escape DFS.

So for now...we wait and see.

Quitters

This is CJ's foot, isn't it the cutest? He is growing so fast -10 pounds already. He's sleeping better at night in his Amby Baby and so I'm sleeping better too. He's doing well with his methadone reductions and should be completely weaned off by the end of the month.

Jo has been watching a potty video in the mornings and that has lead to her asking to go potty throughout the day. It hasn't lead to actually going in the potty, but I'll take what I can get. Lili has went potty a few times so I'm hopefully I might have two underwear-wearing girls by the end of the year. They're both very interested in TP and wiping. Last night Jo and Lili got out of bed went into my bathroom and proceeded to tear off a whole roll of TP and put it in the toilet in little pieces. I had to put a grocery sack on my hand and scoop the stuff out before I could get the toilet to work again. Yuck.

Lilia had her 3 yr check up this past week and the doctor is referring us to an endocrinologist to see about putting her on growth hormone. The thought is a little scary to me- so chemical and unnatural. Sometimes as a mom to a special needs kid I forget that our typical is not "normal". At three years old she's only 21 pounds and 33 inches. She's still wearing 12-18 month old clothes and hasn't appeared on a regular growth chart. Anyone have experience with growth hormone?

In other interesting news of note.....my mother is attempting to quit smoking. I come from a long line of raspy voiced smokers. All of the women in my family are big smokers, my mother since she was 13. That's a 60 year habit. I told her I would buy her patches if she wanted to quit and she's gone a week now! Yeah mom.

I'm a three time quitter myself. The first time I quit it lasted a few months, the 2nd time lasted a whole year and this 3rd (and final!) time it's been 5 years.

Gramma Gramma Grampa

We're gearing up for a visit from Gramma Gramma Grampa this weekend. Their train comes in tonight and Jo has been talking about it for days. The weather has been beautiful and I'm hoping still will be tomorrow so we can get out of this house for a bit. I have a few flowers poking their heads up outside and I'm ready to start planting my seedlings.

Today was soooooo busy with two PT appointments, an OT appointment, a bio parent visit, a Nurses for Newborns visit and the IL's train coming in tonight. I threw dinner in the crock pot this morning because I knew I wouldn't have the energy to cook this evening.

CJ had a visit with Mom & Dad today and she sent a whole bag of clothes, diapers and wipes as well as a pic of themselves home for him. WOW. Way to go Mama R!

Updates on life

Whew. I know I haven't updated in a few days, time flies.

As CJ is weaning off his medicine he's showing more serious signs of withdrawal. He's cranky and fussy, he craves being held or worn in one of my many baby carriers. Have I written about babywearing yet? Hmmm....another post. At night he must be swaddled tightly or he cannot sleep more than a few minutes. He loves motion and we're trying to find a baby swing as it's the only piece of baby plastic we hadn't previously purchased. He's still eating well and gaining weight though.

CJ had his first visit with Mama R this week. She seems intelligent and determined to get her little boy back. I'm rooting for her. Most of the bio parents I have dealt with in the past have had mental illness issues that often get in the way of fully comprehending the situation and what is required of them. She gets it and she's trying. At the visit she told CJ "I'm gonna get better for you baby boy"

Lili is back in preschool this week and I'm crossing my fingers that she has picked up all the illnesses that the other kids had to offer. Jo and I have been having some great mommy-and-me adventures during Lili's preschool time. She was so tired today she asked (YES ASKED!) to go to bed a half hour before bedtime.

I bought a few small items for the girls easter baskets and an easter basket for CJ today. I love holidays, especially as a mom. I love the excitement, just the magic of it.

Back into the swing of things

We're trying to get back into a routine around here. Josie was whiny last night & I was going bonkers...she finally said mama "I'm tired" I looked at the clock and realized it was almost an hour past her bedtime. Bad mama. I didn't get much sleep last night between Lili & CJ's middle of the night wakings but I'm determined to get this ship into shape!

CJ is an easy baby so far. He is on medicine for drug withdrawal and it makes him sleepy most of the time. We actually haven't had any contact from a SW, we don't even know if he has one yet. We don't know much about his family situation we're hoping to learn more after his court date next week. Our weeks are going to get busier as he has a HH nurse, PT and OT once a week each...add to that new doctor, SW and Casa Volunteer visits.

I need to get crackin!