TPR

Almost a year ago I wrote that the judge ordered TPR and Adoption for Choo Choo's case. Today the day is here. Choo's parents Termination of Parental Rights Trial is today. (deep breath)

As a foster parent days like today are nerve wrecking. On one hand I'm praying the judge will let Choo finally have some permanancy after almost two years in care. I'm praying that finally my son can become, my son. On the other hand I know that this is the day that his parents, who do care for him very much, lose their son. As a daughter that breaks my heart. As a mom that breaks my heart.

More Seizures

Choo Choo has been admitted to the hospital for tests and observations. It seems that typically febrile seizures don't repeat in the same illness and Choo has had 3 in 48 hours now.

Didn't happen

Placement did not happen today. There is still a chance he might come with us but for now they chose to place him back with the accused abuser. Yikes. Keep your thoughts with him that he will be kept safe until this is resolved. It's killing me that we have no control over this process.

Alright now God/Allah/Buddah/Higher Power

So it's been almost a year since we decided We're Done. We got rid of all baby stuff and I just said a few posts ago that we're done having babies and I'm good with that. I've said that they can call with any situation and I will say no.

Boy, oh boy. Alright God/Allah/Buddah/Higher Power you found a loophole.

Later this afternoon we will go to family court with my niece. My 3 year old great nephew will be placed in the custody of the Children's Division with us as the foster home.

IEP and Special Needs

As a mama to kids with special needs I celebrate the little things. Sometimes we lose sight of the forest for all the trees though. This time it's a good thing.

Lili had her second IEP this past week. The were SHOCKED and AMAZED with her progress over the past year. They reminded us that at her last IEP she couldn't walk independently, she couldn't talk and had the skill level of a 1 1/2 year old. We've celebrated so many little breakthroughs I didn't even realize the huge jump that she has made.

Their new recommendation is an integrated classroom at a typical school. Yeah! I might have two girls in school this fall, I can't believe it.

Biological Ties

This past week Josie meet her biological sibling. When Josie was born she was immediately placed with a foster family (us) and then DFS found that her mother had just closed a case with them a year and a half before. That foster family decided not to accept her placement at the time because (like us now) they had two very close kiddos and another kid at home. Their home was full, thank goodness for us. I can't imagine my baby girl not being a part of our family...the ringleader of our family!

As a person with 5 half siblings myself, I find the commonalities of biology fascinating. I wasn't raised with my siblings- I was born 20 years after my oldest sister. I was my mother's "second family" after divorcing and remarrying. My siblings and I are different generations with one common parent. But we are all sooo strikingly similar, our hands, our hair texture, our silliness, our need for the calmness of the outdoors. Something primal that connects us all that makes us part of one.

Jo and her sister have so many similarities that can't be explained by anything but that oneness to each other. I'm so thankful that her sisters family wants to nurture that connection. I'm hopeful that this is one biological tie that will always give her roots.

A New Phase

As Choo Choo's case begins to come to a close we are looking for other opportunities to continue to serve kids in the Foster care system. I found a great program through a local residential care facility that offers mentorship opportunities. I'm specifically excited about being able to be a pen pal to a youth who is transitioning to independent living.

If you might be interested in writing a few letters and lending an ear to a youth in Foster care please take a look at the program at Child Center Marygrove.

This time of year (tax return time) is when we also begin to budget and plan for the next year. We reassess our current spending and make a conscious decision where we want our money to go. So far this year we've decided to cancel our home phone and just use our cell phones -cause that's all we really do anyway, cut back on our cable plan and order Tivo instead of our cable company's DVR. Tivo you own and the local DVR we were basically renting forever! We've also decided to cancel our local YMCA membership and do family "workouts" instead.

Another thing that I'm excited about with this year's budget is our new "charitable contribution goal". We regularly donate and give to causes that are near to our hearts but we have never made a specific goal to shoot for. This year we've pledged $1500.00 of our budget for monetary donations and that's not counting donated goods. It feels really great to sit and decide how we're going to spend our money and research what organizations are doing things that we're really interested in.

One Year

This morning while cooking a Saturday breakfast of blueberry pancakes and bacon(Lili's favorite food in the entire world) a flower delivery man rang the doorbell.

My DP, who is always great at celebrating little things, sent us a blue and white floral arrangement to celebrate One Year Ago when CJ arrived. This has been the fastest year ever. I remember vividly the first few months of Jo's life, documenting every little milestone. Fast forward to number 3 (actually #5) and poor CJ hasn't even had his one year pictures done. Ah to be so blissfully busy right?

I am really in awe at how much this big boy brings to my life. He is such a mama's boy and I love every minute of it. He's getting such a personality and is picking up sign language sooo fast. He learns at the speed of light and is doing something new every day. He's not even looking like a baby anymore, so quickly he's become a full fledged toddler. He deserves a new name here because he really thinks it's his name in real life. Choo-Choo.

His first birthday party was a few weeks ago and we made a train cake for our little Choo Choo. It turned out so cute. Grandma and Grandpa will bring down his new Train toddler bed that we bought off of Chicago Craigslist next week. He has almost completely destroyed the crib that has made it through 5 others before him. Boys. They're so different.

One year ago I was basking in baby love, now I'm running after a giggly toddler. Wow.

So happy one year Choo-Choo. Mama loves you so very much!

Foster Parent Guilt

I haven't written much lately about foster parenting because ....there isn't much to write....and because I'm nervous. CJ's 1 year hearing is coming up in a week or so. This will be our first time with a new judge who has made himself notorious over the past year. This is the part where we hold our breath and hope that nothing horrible happens on someone's whim. Oh I will be so happy when I no longer have to endure this rollercoaster.

I feel guilty because I know that there are many more kids who need help, a home, an advocate, something. But right now *I* can't be that anymore. I feel guilty knowing that there are kids in the system that don't have the option of stepping off the rollercoaster whenever they feel like it. I feel guilty trying to concentrate on my family's needs when so many are needier...and don't have a family.

Look at my big boy!

CJ is doing soooooo well. He is in the 75th percentile for height, which is totally a new experience for me since all my preemies have stayed tiny little things. My first boy is a bouncy baby boy in every sense of the word. He jumps, stands, falls, tries again, climbs, chases.....

Lili works within the limitations of her disability adapting the world to meet her needs....CJ works with and around his. He is such a fighter....legs don't want to bend? Must be time to start cruising on furniture. He just doesn't stop. He's growing and changing so quickly. Just look at my big boy!

Just so you know

I'm done.

CJ will be my last foster child.

The rollercoaster of emotions is too much. The worry is too much. The grief and loss is too much. I can't do this any more.

I'm tempted to give away all my clothes and supplies to the Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition's KidStore so that I really am unable to take another placement. If I decide later on to adopt (private adoption) I will buy new things that belong only to that child and don't have the memories of lost children attached to them.

There is no straw that broke the camels back. Just a realization that enough is enough.

June Hair

When I'm doing a long term hairstyle (anything I want to last for 3 weeks or more) I build it up and take it down. With Jo's current hairstyle the first few days I just cornrowed the front and had the back in piggy poofs. Then I did a few box braids in the back and added beads. Then the next step in the hair style I'll put it in piggies. A few days later I will change the beads. Then a few days later I will divide and rebraid the back box braids so there are more, smaller braids. This time I then put all of the braids into two buns. This is my newest favorite style. I love Jo's hair in piggy poofs but getting it to stay clean and pretty is a challenge now that her hair is so long. This new style allows me to have that look and it stays nicely for days with minimal upkeep for me. I love it. (do you see her lip scar in the picture? my poor baby)

School stuff

Lili will be continuing to attend her special language preschool during the summer session and the first day is Wednesday. We've decided (budget be damned) to send Josie too for this semester. She is always so excited when we drop Lili off at school and I'm hoping she'll still be excited Wednesday.

This past weekend we went to a kids birthday party that was held at one of those big-inflatable-bouncy-things places. We almost had Lili stay home with DP because we figured she would just throw a fit and get overwhelmed. Boy did we call that wrong. Lili had an all out, no fear, more-more-more, blast and a half. Josie on the other hand was scared of everything and didn't participate at all (well except for blowing out the birthday girls candles mid-song) and was uncharacteristically shy. I'm still searching their bedroom for the alien pods because these are not my children. Who came down and switched personalities on me? LOL

CJ had his first IFSP (like an IEP but for kids under 3) meeting today. With his CP diagnosis he qualifies for any services he needs. He already has PT once a week and now we'll be adding OT once a week as well. His SW attended the meeting and told us that mom relapsed this week. More self help meetings were added to her goal plan. *sigh* I don't know if she's gonna make it. This isn't a good sign. Sorry baby boy.

Hello RAD where ya been?

Sometimes I can live my life like a normal mom. I complain that the laundry and dishes never end, I fret over birthday parties and I talk a little too much about poop and pee. But then, some days I am reminded that our lives will never be "normal".

After a pretty uneventful holiday weekend Lili had a raging meltdown tonight. Lili is a sweet little girl who is mentally about half her chronological age. She has mild Cerebral Palsy and has only been walking unsupported for about 6 months. She has a diagnosis of RAD but we have worked through some pretty rough attachment issues. I say worked through.....but it's never over.

Tonight I cleaned up feces from the floors, walls and bedroom door. She took all the clothes out of her closet that she could reach and smeared them with poo. She was unconsolable. It took forever to calm her down. After she was cleaned up I laid down with her and told her over and over again that everything was alright, she could go to sleep now.

But really I have no idea if everything is alright. I don't even know what set her off.

The Rollercoaster Ride

I haven't done an update about CJ in a while because, well everything changes daily. This roller coaster ride has so many ups and downs. I've learned not to hold my breath....but I still worry more than I should.

CJ's siblings were almost put into care but great-grandma stepped up and took them back. But this past week they were with mom at a visit again.

Parents were supposed to be starting weekly unsupervised visits. They didn't do what they needed to at the last minute. They have lost momentum and are not making much progress in their case plan.

DFS proved that mom "ghosted" her drug test. She took a substance that makes your test come back clean. They can't do anything about it but note it in the report. They can't screen any future tests to see if she's still doing this.

Mom is beginning to give up hope and asked that her mother be given custody. Grandma wants mom to "clean up her own mess for once". I get that she's not trying to enable her daughter any more, it scares me that he could spend years bonding with us and then she'll decide to step up.

Sometimes I'm really glad that we only get calls for babies. When we were first approved as foster parents I thought that the greatest need would be for older sibling groups. We are open to kids up to 8 years old, 2-3 siblings. Because I can be home with the kids we only get calls for preemie and special needs infants. The sleep deprivation gets to you ....but I don't know how I would protect/buffer an older kiddo from all these worries.

CJ has been seeing a barrage of specialist to rule out a prenatal stroke or brain bleed.
Today the letters were finally put into his chart.

C.P.

Cerebral Palsy

Sunshine Girl

Sunshine Girl On A Rainy Day has written an informative post about the foster child catagory being dropped from the next US Census. Please stop by her place and read this important post. I've written my representative and I hope you will too.

More Hair adventures

Jo is sporting some pretty cute two strand twists this week. Lili is in simple poofs that I'm changing every few days. I've been doing simple hair-do's lately as I gear up and prepare for some intensive summer do's. I'm going to try to do some labor intensive small cornrows on Jo's hair and leave them in for 4-6 weeks. I've ordered some sleep caps (we already use a satin pillow) to try to keep them nice for longer time periods.

I've been experimenting with making my own hair and skin supplies for a while now and I almost have a recipe perfected. All the measurements are approximate because I just eyeball most things. Here's the recipe so far:

LiliBella Lotion Bars
3 oz pure unrefined Shea butter
2 oz beeswax
2 oz pure coconut oil
essential oils for fragrance

I cut up the shea butter into smaller chunks and place in a microwaveable bowl. I then grate the beeswax from handmade candles my BIL gives us. I melt both of those in the microwave. I add the coconut oil and essential oils then mix together. I have a small tin that I use as a mold and let sit until solid. It looks like a little bar of soap but it's actually lotion. I like making a bar so I don't use too much product on their hair. I rub the bar in my hands like soap and then apply to their hair like pomade or gel.

I use a similar recipe for their skin but use more oil and less wax. Lili's skin just glows from it. When I took the picture of her above I was just amazed at how great her skin looks now. I've started using it too.

Sue 'em

An adoptive mama in New Jersey is sueing DFS for not protecting her abused and traumatized daughter while in their care. Check out the full story here

"Individual lawsuits are pretty rare," Zalkind said. "You have to have someone who is willing to represent the child, and so often kids don't have that kind of support or advocacy."


It seems like so many foster care reform efforts fall short of making any big changes. A lawsuit doesn't seem like a bad idea. If you get hurt at work there is a recourse. As an adult if someone assaulted you -you could press charges. You could demand restitution through a civil suit.

Sometimes I really don't understand why the neglect/abuse that brings kids into care isn't cause for a criminal case. Even now in CJ's case, his SW has said if the same information was being brought in front of a criminal judge instead of a family judge there would be jail time. Why is it okay if kids are involved? I really don't understand.

Maybe if every kid who was not protected while in care was able to sue.... Maybe someone would listen. Maybe something would change.

Resources

In the foster care world foster/adoptive families are often called "Resource families". After yesterday's placement call and the impending placement possibilities of CJ's sibling(s) and Ekida's soon-to-be-born sibling I'm trying to decide how much of a resource we are.

How much can we handle emotionally? What is the best decision for our family right now? How much can we give of ourselves? I've written before about "The need is the calling" but the need is so great I personally will never be able to fill it. How much can one family do? I don't know.

I'm usually a very logical person. I define a problem, list a set of criteria that would define the answer and then test conclusions based on that logic. There is no logic here. These are tough decisions. Today I'm agonizing over things that are really beyond my control.

A Call & IEP's

Another call for a placement. Sometimes it just breaks my heart that we are needed so badly. This call was for the little one mentioned in this post back in mid February. He needs to be close to the children's hospital as he now waits for a bone marrow transplant. The call was just a message on the answering machine so we will get more information tomorrow and make a decision. It seems like too much to take on right now but we'll wait for more info before we say no to him. The fact that she's calling us means that they are having problems finding a place for him to stay.

Today we received a copy of Lili's IEP(Individualized Education Program) in the mail. In evaluating children with special needs there are a number of areas of developmental delays/disabilities that qualify SN kids for an IEP. Seven areas in fact. Lili qualified in 6 of the 7 areas:
1. Vision
2. Health/Motor
3. Speech/Language
4. Social/Emotional/Behavioral
5. Cognitive/Adaptive Behavior
6. Academic/Pre-academic Achievement

The only area she did not needs services/adaptations was Hearing. Is this a good time to mention that we're going back to the ENT to get new ear tubes in and see if all these ear infections has caused any permanent hearing impairments? Oy Vey.

....and some good news for a change.... Lili's IEP meeting in late January was the last time her Receptive and Expressive language were tested. At that time she scored 19 months in Receptive and 18 months in Expressive. She was tested again today at the language based preschool she has been attending since then and her scores were at 36 and 30 months. Those are HUGE gains in just 2 short months. Yeah Lili! Not so long ago I was dreading what starting preschool would mean. Now I can't be happier with her transition and her improvement. Yeah again!