Race Ya

We've been having some big discussions in the Fostermamas house lately. As we look further in relocating one big theme is coming up.

Race & Education

As transracial adoptive parents we have a responsibility beyond typical parenting. I want my kids to be smart, healthy and happy and I want them to be strong black citizens.

As we look into communities we're often judging how racially "diverse" they are. While reading an old post at Antiracistparent I began to delve deeper into my feelings on that subject. Part of the post there quoted:

Barry-Austin recalled a New York Times article from several years ago that looked at South Orange and its racial make-up (Preserving a Delicate Balance by Andrew Jacobs: May 18, 1997.) In it, the author cited the words of Professor Douglas S. Massey, a professor of sociology at the University of Pennsylvania and the author of ”American Apartheid: Segregation and the Making of the Underclass” (Harvard University Press, 1993.) Professor Massey spoke of surveys in which African-Americans respondents describe a neighborhood as ideally integrated when the racial composition is a 50/50 mixture of the two races. To most of the white people surveyed, on the other hand, integration meant more of an 80/20 mixture (heavy on the whites, please.)

How much diversity are we looking for? Is there a number I can put on it? Historically St. Louis' racial census has been 50/50....but that does not mean you can go into any neighborhood and find that diversity. Like many urban cities we are still very segregated. AA communities to the north and Caucasian communities to the south. Our lack of integrated diverse community options had us thinking that maybe we should just look into strong black communities instead.

Then I had to go and watch CNN's Black in America, The Black Woman & Family. One of the interviews was with a Harvard professor who quoted that children in undevoloped countries get a better education than black children in this country. God that makes my heart sink. I know that there is a huge gap in the resources that historically black schools receive compared to white schools. They quoted the drop out rate among black high school students as 50%. FIFTY percent. I don't want my kids to be that statistic. What parent does?

I don't want my kids to struggle, I want to give them every educational opportunity I can. Since my kids all have some special needs I know I'm going have to advocate to make sure that they already get some of the same educational advantages typically developing children receive. We're already seeing how hard that can be in a school district with no funds. (This week we enrolled the girls in the local magnet school that they were accepted in -boy that's another post)

I want to live somewhere where rich white folk pay high taxes so my kids can go to a great school. I want my kids to attend schools where the teachers are highly educated and credentialed. I want schools that have the latest technology and state of the art science labs. Typically that's a white community. Why does that make me feel so uneasy? Am I using racism and white privilege to my advantage instead of fighting the man?

A long time ago I read the book Silver Rights about one family's fight to send their kids to the local white school after the Civil Rights Act of 1964 mandated the desegregation of all public schools. I remember thinking after I read that book that I would make sure that my kids took advantage of every opportunity that they paved the way for.

But as a transracial family it's not that easy.

We're back from our veeeerrry long vacation. I think I'm going to need a few days just to recover. Note to self: three weeks is way too long to be away from home with three little ones.

These are two of my favorite pictures from our trip. The first picture is Otter Creek in New Hampshire where we played in the water for a bit to the kids out of the car. The second is sunset over Salem Mass. where we spent a wonderful evening at an old fashioned kiddie amusement park.

New England is one of the most beautiful places in the US. We particularly loved Vermont. The mountains, streams and idyllic farms were breathtaking. For relocation purposes we liked the Burlington VT area out of all the places we visited. It's a small city but if you go 7 miles it's complete farmland. Living with such urban sprawl right now it was amazing to me to see how close city-country life were.

The biggest part of the trip though was how much we fell in love with co-housing. Living in a community where it's very much like the neighborhoods of my childhood is very appealing to me. I really felt like it was what we're always searching for in the city... a strong community where everyone knows each other, watches out for each others kids, participates together beyond yearly block parties and really work to form relationships and be a support system. I think we've shifted our relocation efforts to look specifically for a co-housing community where our Gay-Black-Jewish-Disabled Family would be an asset and a resource to others instead of looking for a place where we "fit".
Of the two co-housing communities we visited one was decidedly more child centered and that is the one that we preferred. I think if Vermont in general and that area specifically were'nt so damn white....we'd be there in a heartbeat.

The Donaldson Report & Cornrows

The Donaldson report on transracial adoption came out this past week and it basically found that:

1. AA children still are not adopted at the same rate as white children.
   
2. That love isn't enough when parenting children of another race.
   
3. Agencies need to do more to recruit AA families.
   

I was going to write a big post about how I agree but don't agree with the new findings. But I just don't have the spirit for it right now. Because really, most of their findings are not surprising. And besides...... I just wanted to tell y'all that this transracial-adoptive-mama has found her cornrowing groove.

When I started this blog a year and a half ago I was on a mission to master cornrowing. I think I'm finally really comfortable and now I'm always on the lookout for new complicated parts to try.

I'm so proud of me. I think I rock.

Hair do's

More hair do pics:


Lili's hair is a version of the princess crown that I did on Jo last summer. Lili's is done in braids instead of twists because they hold better in her hair texture. It was really cute on her, especially with the rhinestone hair snaps as accents.

Jo's hair is done in a traditional ballie and barrettes style with 2 strand twists. Her hair is getting so long, making her look like a big girl way too fast for mama.

I'm shocked

I'm shocked...in a good way. We went into this court hearing expecting to start from the beginning again. Instead the judge ordered Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) and adoption. AND the Children's Division lawyer has been working on the TPR paperwork for the past 4 months (we had no idea) and it will be filed on the 29th. Wow. Can I say again ...wow.

It's a possibility that his adoption might be final by the end of the fall.

Christmas Hair Do's

I finally got my holiday order in from Snapaholics.com and finished the braids that the girls have been wearing for a week. I hope you can see in the last picture....I finished off some of the braids with little jingle bells. It is too adorable! The girls just love it.

You Tubin

I found a great You Tube video about doing criss cross cornrows. Jo is wearing them for the holidays. If you feel like trying your hand at it take a look:

Snuggle Puppy

So this past weekend we actually took the plunge and *gulp* gave away all of our baby clothes. Now even if they told me the biggest sob story I'll have to say no (and I NEED to say no) and not take another baby. It actually doesn't feel as huge as I thought...more natural than anything. It's quite funny to me that most "typical" couples would include some form of birth control in their family planning at this point, and we are just passing on supplies as our family planning technique. LOL

To keep you updated on CJ's case.....well first let me say that I LOVE this bouncy baby boy. Oh does he have my heart in his hands. He is SOOOO my snuggle puppy.

His mom has been missing court since she got out of rehab and for the first time, dad missed too. The judge discussed taking the case out of the special drug court program and we're expecting that to happen at the next court date. I'm hoping that will make the situation better. As it is the SW actually said last week "I think mom is using" and mentioned that CJ's sister was home at the time. Yet still did nothing to protect the little girl! As a mandated reporter shouldn't I report that? To whom? The social worker that told me? GRRRRRRRR Really guys, I feel that I should do something, but what? What's better... getting dragged into this failed system or watching your mom get high on heroine?

Hair Happy

During one of our "parent workshops" at the family week we just attended was a session on multicultural families. What I thought would be a sharing of information, resources and information quickly turned laughable. One particular area that always gets to me is the lack of interest in learning about AA hair in transracial adoptions. It really was scary how many people thought it would be better to cut off their little girls hair rather than learning how to properly care for hair different than their own. Out of our small group of parents I was the only person who enthusiastically enjoyed creating different hairstyles.

It was obvious many parents spent zero time learning about hair care and the cultural implications of hair in AA culture. The facilitator asked me to do a workshop next year.....which is in itself laughable to think that a midwestern white girl like me was the best expert they could find on the subject.

As a white woman trying to raise strong, proud, black women I am aware of how critical the definition of race, culture and beauty is tied to hair- specifically curly hair. Hair has strong personal, cultural and even political meaning within and out of the black community. I'm constantly trying to learn more about different styles, products and resources -not only for myself, but for the women my girls will become.

I hope to arm them with enough information and resources that they can make educated thoughtful decisions about their own hair. I hope to take the learning curve out of caring for their hair by passing on what I've learned about what works for each of their individual hair types. I hope to give them strong ties to their culture of origin by maintaining hairstyles that are stylish among their peers. I hope to build a strong mother-daughter bond by spending time lovingly grooming and styling my daughters hair. I hope to always let them know how beautiful they are by being informed and thoughtful in caring for their beautiful curly hair.

June Hair

When I'm doing a long term hairstyle (anything I want to last for 3 weeks or more) I build it up and take it down. With Jo's current hairstyle the first few days I just cornrowed the front and had the back in piggy poofs. Then I did a few box braids in the back and added beads. Then the next step in the hair style I'll put it in piggies. A few days later I will change the beads. Then a few days later I will divide and rebraid the back box braids so there are more, smaller braids. This time I then put all of the braids into two buns. This is my newest favorite style. I love Jo's hair in piggy poofs but getting it to stay clean and pretty is a challenge now that her hair is so long. This new style allows me to have that look and it stays nicely for days with minimal upkeep for me. I love it. (do you see her lip scar in the picture? my poor baby)

More Hair adventures

Jo is sporting some pretty cute two strand twists this week. Lili is in simple poofs that I'm changing every few days. I've been doing simple hair-do's lately as I gear up and prepare for some intensive summer do's. I'm going to try to do some labor intensive small cornrows on Jo's hair and leave them in for 4-6 weeks. I've ordered some sleep caps (we already use a satin pillow) to try to keep them nice for longer time periods.

I've been experimenting with making my own hair and skin supplies for a while now and I almost have a recipe perfected. All the measurements are approximate because I just eyeball most things. Here's the recipe so far:

LiliBella Lotion Bars
3 oz pure unrefined Shea butter
2 oz beeswax
2 oz pure coconut oil
essential oils for fragrance

I cut up the shea butter into smaller chunks and place in a microwaveable bowl. I then grate the beeswax from handmade candles my BIL gives us. I melt both of those in the microwave. I add the coconut oil and essential oils then mix together. I have a small tin that I use as a mold and let sit until solid. It looks like a little bar of soap but it's actually lotion. I like making a bar so I don't use too much product on their hair. I rub the bar in my hands like soap and then apply to their hair like pomade or gel.

I use a similar recipe for their skin but use more oil and less wax. Lili's skin just glows from it. When I took the picture of her above I was just amazed at how great her skin looks now. I've started using it too.

Talking to foster/adoptive kids about their story

I've been wanting to make a book for each of the girls that tells the story of their history with age appropriate information. The perfectionist in me has procrastinated for months, I wanted to draw it in Corel, edit it in Photoshop and have it professionally bound. This week I just sat down and got it done. I used blank 4x6 index cards, Sharpie markers and a simple photo album. It doesn't have any words so the story can be told orally and changed as they understand more.

Jo loves her book and wants me to read it over and over again.

Concoctions

You haven't seen any new hair pictures lately because the hair has been wild and free. I've been keeping it down and simple while I work on perfecting some new hair and skin concoctions. I was running out of my Carol's Daughter Healthy Hair Butter and decided to go online order some ingredients and try my hand at making some new hair goo at home.

I ordered Shea butter (shown in the brown paper), Coconut oil (in the tall jar), Jojoba oil, vegetable glycerin, Cocoa butter, Olive oil, essential oils and Avocado oil.

I already mixed up some great skin souffle (in the small tin) and it is terrific. I'm still waiting for my Cocoa Butter to be delivered before I whip up any specific hair potions. I've been experimenting with combinations of the different products and judging how their hair does with them.

I can't wait to mix up some more!

What we're reading

When Jo and I go on our adventures when Lili is in preschool we often end up at the library. We typically go once a month now we're going about once a week. I never had a community library growing up (small town) and I hope the girls grow to love the library. So here's what we're reading right now.

Lili:
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Lili is working on rhyming this week in preschool and we've been trying to expand on her preschool curriculum at home by enforcing the lessons on our own. She can name all the animals in the book and loves to say "eeee" for see. She enjoys the sing-song of the words and will often rock when I read it to her. For her birthday this past week some friends bought her the book and a coordinating wooden puzzle...they didn't even know we were reading it right now. How cool is that?

Josie:
I Want My Potty! We are forever working on potty training with Jo. I think we missed a very good window with baby Eckida was here and now we are just dealing with independence issues. She loves to read the book and knows most of it by heart. She loves when I read it in funny voices. The last page of the book has the potty princess making an oops on the floor. She copied that last night and was very proud of herself for peeing on the floor. Hey, I'll take it right now. Good girl, you went potty!

Mama:
Voluntary Simplicity. I wrote a post a few back about wanting to get this book. I finally did and am diving into it. Now I just need a few more minutes of alone time so I don't end up reading the same paragraph 15 times. I'm usually reading more than one book at a time so I go back and forth between this I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla and Living Your Best Life. I love self-help/inspirational books because I don't get much deep adult conversation anymore LOL!

Mommy:
The Sensitive Child. She has thrust this book in my face a few times this week and said "look, read this". We're reading this for Lili to try to understand her store outbursts. If she's overwhelmed she's beyond irrational and cannot be reasoned with. It has very specific steps to try in a tantrum...which is nice when you have too many children crying to think.

Family:
A Return to Love. After a long into the night discussion with some friends they recommended this book to us and it's been amazing. We take turns reading chapters out loud to each other and only read when we feel like we need some direction. It's a slow pace but the information always seems to come exactly when we need it. It's made me cry a few times just because it was what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.

I think reading TO someone is such a great gift to give and a wonderful memory to hold on to.

Hair Pics

I realized I havn't posted hair pics in a while. I love this do on Jo. I have front cornrows parted and pulled into piggie tails. The back is in simple box braids all ending in beads and snaps. I made small ballies using beads from instructions on Snapaholics.com. It's a nice finishing touch to this style. This is my first time attempting to cornrow in anything but a front-back row. I love how this looks on her!

For Lili's do I attempted to copy a style from the Yahoo group. The parts were beaded with heart beads all leading back to one pony poof but Lili pulled it all out after one night. It needs to grow a little longer before this style will work successfully. I loved how her hair looked pulled completely off her face though. So pretty.

Learning to do AA hair

If you read my blog you know I love doing the girls' hair. It's like creating a new painting every week. As a fine artist by background it really helps me stay creatively focused while at the same time maintaining a important cultural aspect of my childrens lives. It's also a great bonding time for mommy and daughter. If you are thinking about adopting a child of AA heritage or if you're just interested, here are some of the resources I've used to find out more about creative hairstyles, products and hair care regimes.


A good condensed overview of AA hair and skincare

Books: It's All Good Hair, Kinki Kreations, CurlyGirl

Kids books: Happy to Be Nappy, I Love My Hair!

Websites: www.naturallycurly.com & www.nappturality.com

Online groups: Soul Of Adoption , Yahoo Hair and Skincare Group

Online Tutorials: Crazycoils's site (a woman with hair texture just like Lili's) Cornrows & Braids

Products: I use many natural inexpensive homemade mixes and Oyin & Carol's Daughter

I've also learned so much from AA friends, other foster/adoptive parents and many well meaning strangers who approach me in the black hair care aisle thinking I must be lost.

Heartrows

Sorry for the fuzzy picture, I can't get her to stop moving today! I put Jo's hair back in cornrows yesterday. I was trying for a Valentine's Day style but I don't really like how it turned out. I do like how the beads are part of the braids, I will try that again.

I tried the crossover pattern in the center but because of Jo's short spot I'm going to take it out and redo. We'll try again in a few months when it's long enough for me to incorporate into a cornrow.

About a year ago we were fighting a huge battle with ringworm. Lili brought it from her former foster home and we couldn't shake it. Everytime one of us was clear someone else still had it and spread it back around. Jo lost a patch of hair to it, it's growing back in now (thank goodness) but I still have to plan my parts carefully.

Racism in Foster Care & Adoption

A recent post at Baggage And Bug and a current discussion at Soul Of Adoption have me thinking about the effects of racism on minority/AA children in foster care.

My neighborhood block captain once asked me why I was placed with mostly black babies. It wasn't a question she really wanted an answer to... and one that I would never be able to explain to her anyway. As a transracial adoptive mom I've come to realize most white folks don't even realize that institutionalized racism exists or even that they are experiencing white priviledge.

Some facts about racism and foster care:

1. There is NOT a higher incidence of abuse or neglect among minority families, but there is a higher likelihood that minority children will end up in foster care.

2. Poor children are more likely to end up in foster care. Although AA families represent only about 12.9% of the population, 23.6% of African-Americans are in poverty.

3. Although white and black women were almost equally likely to test positive for drugs, physicians were 10 times more likely to report AA women to authorities after delivery.

4. African-Americans are likely to serve more prison time than whites for the same offense. Thus AA children in foster care may be separated from their families longer affecting their chances for reunification.

Excerpted from: Ruth McRoy, Expedited Permanency: Implications for African-American Children and Families, 12 Virginia Journal of Social Policy and the Law 475 -489. 477-481 (2005) (81 Footnotes)

Black children are overrepresented in the foster care system.

Black parents are underrepresented in the potential parent pool. You would think that this leads into transracial adoption...but it doesn't.

The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of American adults prefer to adopt children of their same race. With this trend of same race adoption, the result is that white children are often fought over while non-white children are languishing in a broken foster care system. Even private adoption agencies are likely to price adoption costs of a white baby at twice that of a AA child.

The hardest part of being a transracial adoptive mom is KNOWING that other people are prejudiced and biased against my beautiful brown curly haired daughters. They don't see Lili's infectious smile and strong spirit, they don't see Josie's hilarious mad face or her beautiful singing voice- they see black kids. Ones that they would never open their hearts or homes to, ones that they would never choose.

Immense Loss

This analogy has always captured my attention...I always think of this when I'm trying to relate to how Lili must be feeling....



Immense Loss

Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow. The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.

The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.

Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.

The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation. Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.

--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller

My hair journey

I love doing the girls hair. I love finding inspiration and learning new styles. I belong to a yahoo group for Transracially adopted AA/Black children that has great resources and inspiration for doing hair. So for my own benefit I'm going to start posting pics and journal my hairstyles so I can keep track of them.

I finally mastered cornrows and now I'm working on different parts. It's easier to row Jo's hair than Lilia's since it's longer....plus she's had more practice at sitting still. Here is the style that her hair is in today.

Which reminds me....I need to order some beads and snaps from Snapaholics.com now that the owner is back after adopting her daughter.