Sometimes I can live my life like a normal mom. I complain that the laundry and dishes never end, I fret over birthday parties and I talk a little too much about poop and pee. But then, some days I am reminded that our lives will never be "normal".
After a pretty uneventful holiday weekend Lili had a raging meltdown tonight. Lili is a sweet little girl who is mentally about half her chronological age. She has mild Cerebral Palsy and has only been walking unsupported for about 6 months. She has a diagnosis of RAD but we have worked through some pretty rough attachment issues. I say worked through.....but it's never over.
Tonight I cleaned up feces from the floors, walls and bedroom door. She took all the clothes out of her closet that she could reach and smeared them with poo. She was unconsolable. It took forever to calm her down. After she was cleaned up I laid down with her and told her over and over again that everything was alright, she could go to sleep now.
But really I have no idea if everything is alright. I don't even know what set her off.
Showing posts with label reactive attachment disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reactive attachment disorder. Show all posts
Monday, May 28, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Sue 'em
An adoptive mama in New Jersey is sueing DFS for not protecting her abused and traumatized daughter while in their care. Check out the full story here
"Individual lawsuits are pretty rare," Zalkind said. "You have to have someone who is willing to represent the child, and so often kids don't have that kind of support or advocacy."
It seems like so many foster care reform efforts fall short of making any big changes. A lawsuit doesn't seem like a bad idea. If you get hurt at work there is a recourse. As an adult if someone assaulted you -you could press charges. You could demand restitution through a civil suit.
Sometimes I really don't understand why the neglect/abuse that brings kids into care isn't cause for a criminal case. Even now in CJ's case, his SW has said if the same information was being brought in front of a criminal judge instead of a family judge there would be jail time. Why is it okay if kids are involved? I really don't understand.
Maybe if every kid who was not protected while in care was able to sue.... Maybe someone would listen. Maybe something would change.
"Individual lawsuits are pretty rare," Zalkind said. "You have to have someone who is willing to represent the child, and so often kids don't have that kind of support or advocacy."
It seems like so many foster care reform efforts fall short of making any big changes. A lawsuit doesn't seem like a bad idea. If you get hurt at work there is a recourse. As an adult if someone assaulted you -you could press charges. You could demand restitution through a civil suit.
Sometimes I really don't understand why the neglect/abuse that brings kids into care isn't cause for a criminal case. Even now in CJ's case, his SW has said if the same information was being brought in front of a criminal judge instead of a family judge there would be jail time. Why is it okay if kids are involved? I really don't understand.
Maybe if every kid who was not protected while in care was able to sue.... Maybe someone would listen. Maybe something would change.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Can I just whine for sec?
Lili has come soooo far. I know that. Developmentally, socially and attachment-wise. She really has made great strides.
But why does she still have a nervous breakdown when we go into a store? Not a fit or a tantrum....but a complete meltdown. Hitting me, sobbing uncontrollably, wailing so loud everyone turns around to see if I'm killing my child. Why? I ask her what she wants.....Do you want to sit in the cart? Do you want to walk? I once had to sit on the floor in an aisle at Target rocking her like a baby and singing lullabies for 15-20 minutes before I could get her calmed down enough to even leave. I would gladly bribe her with sweets and toys if it would make a difference.
Sensory overload? Attachment issues? Trying to drain yo-mama syndrome?
But why does she still have a nervous breakdown when we go into a store? Not a fit or a tantrum....but a complete meltdown. Hitting me, sobbing uncontrollably, wailing so loud everyone turns around to see if I'm killing my child. Why? I ask her what she wants.....Do you want to sit in the cart? Do you want to walk? I once had to sit on the floor in an aisle at Target rocking her like a baby and singing lullabies for 15-20 minutes before I could get her calmed down enough to even leave. I would gladly bribe her with sweets and toys if it would make a difference.
Sensory overload? Attachment issues? Trying to drain yo-mama syndrome?
Thursday, March 8, 2007
What we're reading
When Jo and I go on our adventures when Lili is in preschool we often end up at the library. We typically go once a month now we're going about once a week. I never had a community library growing up (small town) and I hope the girls grow to love the library. So here's what we're reading right now.
Lili:
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Lili is working on rhyming this week in preschool and we've been trying to expand on her preschool curriculum at home by enforcing the lessons on our own. She can name all the animals in the book and loves to say "eeee" for see. She enjoys the sing-song of the words and will often rock when I read it to her. For her birthday this past week some friends bought her the book and a coordinating wooden puzzle...they didn't even know we were reading it right now. How cool is that?
Josie:
I Want My Potty! We are forever working on potty training with Jo. I think we missed a very good window with baby Eckida was here and now we are just dealing with independence issues. She loves to read the book and knows most of it by heart. She loves when I read it in funny voices. The last page of the book has the potty princess making an oops on the floor. She copied that last night and was very proud of herself for peeing on the floor. Hey, I'll take it right now. Good girl, you went potty!
Mama:
Voluntary Simplicity. I wrote a post a few back about wanting to get this book. I finally did and am diving into it. Now I just need a few more minutes of alone time so I don't end up reading the same paragraph 15 times. I'm usually reading more than one book at a time so I go back and forth between this I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla and Living Your Best Life. I love self-help/inspirational books because I don't get much deep adult conversation anymore LOL!
Mommy:
The Sensitive Child. She has thrust this book in my face a few times this week and said "look, read this". We're reading this for Lili to try to understand her store outbursts. If she's overwhelmed she's beyond irrational and cannot be reasoned with. It has very specific steps to try in a tantrum...which is nice when you have too many children crying to think.
Family:
A Return to Love. After a long into the night discussion with some friends they recommended this book to us and it's been amazing. We take turns reading chapters out loud to each other and only read when we feel like we need some direction. It's a slow pace but the information always seems to come exactly when we need it. It's made me cry a few times just because it was what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.
I think reading TO someone is such a great gift to give and a wonderful memory to hold on to.
Lili:
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Lili is working on rhyming this week in preschool and we've been trying to expand on her preschool curriculum at home by enforcing the lessons on our own. She can name all the animals in the book and loves to say "eeee" for see. She enjoys the sing-song of the words and will often rock when I read it to her. For her birthday this past week some friends bought her the book and a coordinating wooden puzzle...they didn't even know we were reading it right now. How cool is that?
Josie:
I Want My Potty! We are forever working on potty training with Jo. I think we missed a very good window with baby Eckida was here and now we are just dealing with independence issues. She loves to read the book and knows most of it by heart. She loves when I read it in funny voices. The last page of the book has the potty princess making an oops on the floor. She copied that last night and was very proud of herself for peeing on the floor. Hey, I'll take it right now. Good girl, you went potty!
Mama:
Voluntary Simplicity. I wrote a post a few back about wanting to get this book. I finally did and am diving into it. Now I just need a few more minutes of alone time so I don't end up reading the same paragraph 15 times. I'm usually reading more than one book at a time so I go back and forth between this I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla and Living Your Best Life. I love self-help/inspirational books because I don't get much deep adult conversation anymore LOL!
Mommy:
The Sensitive Child. She has thrust this book in my face a few times this week and said "look, read this". We're reading this for Lili to try to understand her store outbursts. If she's overwhelmed she's beyond irrational and cannot be reasoned with. It has very specific steps to try in a tantrum...which is nice when you have too many children crying to think.
Family:
A Return to Love. After a long into the night discussion with some friends they recommended this book to us and it's been amazing. We take turns reading chapters out loud to each other and only read when we feel like we need some direction. It's a slow pace but the information always seems to come exactly when we need it. It's made me cry a few times just because it was what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.
I think reading TO someone is such a great gift to give and a wonderful memory to hold on to.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Automatic Sprinkler
A friend brought over some baby boy clothes for us and she bought a onesie that says "Automatic Sprinkler" on the front. Sista, that's the truth. I keep getting peed on! LOL He's such a good baby though, such a sweet demeanor.
My Lilibelle has been sick since CJ came home. She started vomiting yesterday afternoon and hasn't stopped. She's slept most of the past day and a half. We typically don't go to the emergency room unless it falls under my "blue or bloody" rule. Because of Lili's long medical history if she goes to the hospital with a runny nose it will turn into a week and a half stay. I hope she gets better this evening or we may be stalking the doctors office tomorrow morning. She's definitely not going to preschool tomorrow. Poor baby hasn't went a full week since she started.
My Lilibelle has been sick since CJ came home. She started vomiting yesterday afternoon and hasn't stopped. She's slept most of the past day and a half. We typically don't go to the emergency room unless it falls under my "blue or bloody" rule. Because of Lili's long medical history if she goes to the hospital with a runny nose it will turn into a week and a half stay. I hope she gets better this evening or we may be stalking the doctors office tomorrow morning. She's definitely not going to preschool tomorrow. Poor baby hasn't went a full week since she started.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Immense Loss
This analogy has always captured my attention...I always think of this when I'm trying to relate to how Lili must be feeling....
Immense Loss
Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow. The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.
The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.
Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.
The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation. Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.
People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.
--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller
Immense Loss
Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow. The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.
The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.
Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.
The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation. Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.
People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.
--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Understanding, rationalizing and just accepting
This post at Thoughts from a Fostering Family brings up such a good topic.
So many times I get frustrated with Lili's behavior because I'm trying to understand and rationalize from my point of view instead of accepting that she is acting out of her experiences of pain and fear.
It's so hard to step back and realize that even if I ever do get to understand "why" it may not be enough to fix her hurt. Rationalizing her irrational behavior won't heal it either.
I can keep her safe, I can lead her to the path of healing but all of the real work that needs to be done is outside of my control....and sometimes that breaks my heart.
"You also have to remember that you cannot heal them or walk their own journeys for them. They have some serious healing of themselves to do. They need to walk that journey and heal themselves, and we have to accept that we can parent, but we cannot control." Thoughts from a Fostering Family: Good parenting and surviving as a parent
So many times I get frustrated with Lili's behavior because I'm trying to understand and rationalize from my point of view instead of accepting that she is acting out of her experiences of pain and fear.
It's so hard to step back and realize that even if I ever do get to understand "why" it may not be enough to fix her hurt. Rationalizing her irrational behavior won't heal it either.
I can keep her safe, I can lead her to the path of healing but all of the real work that needs to be done is outside of my control....and sometimes that breaks my heart.
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Being a mom to a Special Needs child
Just for background... I knew Lili was my daughter from the moment we read about her on the waiting child list. Her specific areas of delay and her medical needs just happened to be everything we had experience in. We were a great resource to a child with great needs. She was my daughter, she was meant to be here. That being said.....
Being a mom to a special needs child is often quite draining and exhausting. Yesterday was just such a day.
Lili, who is 6 weeks away from her 3rd birthday, just entered the Terrible Two's in full force. She is globally developmentally delayed and socially/emotionally much younger than her chronological age. Added to that, she has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Sensory Integration Disfunction(SID). I know more acronyms than I care to.....
Yesterday was more RAD than TT as she raged more than tantrumed. She hit her speech therapist and refused to fully participate in her physical therapy. She was so angry, angry that she had to take a nap, angry that I expected her NOT to tear up her books, angry that she wasn't allowed to hit. I'm so worn out and it's about to get worse.
Lili will be starting a special theraputic preschool in about three weeks. For a child that has lost so many caregivers I'm afraid that she will think it's happening again. I'm afraid that all our work getting her to the anxious stage of attachment will be lost...and that the raging and defiance will begin in full force. Kids who lose so much, expect loss and grief. It's what they know.
I'm so not ready for this. I'm dreading it.
Being a mom to a special needs child is often quite draining and exhausting. Yesterday was just such a day.
Lili, who is 6 weeks away from her 3rd birthday, just entered the Terrible Two's in full force. She is globally developmentally delayed and socially/emotionally much younger than her chronological age. Added to that, she has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Sensory Integration Disfunction(SID). I know more acronyms than I care to.....
Yesterday was more RAD than TT as she raged more than tantrumed. She hit her speech therapist and refused to fully participate in her physical therapy. She was so angry, angry that she had to take a nap, angry that I expected her NOT to tear up her books, angry that she wasn't allowed to hit. I'm so worn out and it's about to get worse.
Lili will be starting a special theraputic preschool in about three weeks. For a child that has lost so many caregivers I'm afraid that she will think it's happening again. I'm afraid that all our work getting her to the anxious stage of attachment will be lost...and that the raging and defiance will begin in full force. Kids who lose so much, expect loss and grief. It's what they know.
I'm so not ready for this. I'm dreading it.
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