Alright now God/Allah/Buddah/Higher Power

So it's been almost a year since we decided We're Done. We got rid of all baby stuff and I just said a few posts ago that we're done having babies and I'm good with that. I've said that they can call with any situation and I will say no.

Boy, oh boy. Alright God/Allah/Buddah/Higher Power you found a loophole.

Later this afternoon we will go to family court with my niece. My 3 year old great nephew will be placed in the custody of the Children's Division with us as the foster home.

Foster Parent Guilt

I haven't written much lately about foster parenting because ....there isn't much to write....and because I'm nervous. CJ's 1 year hearing is coming up in a week or so. This will be our first time with a new judge who has made himself notorious over the past year. This is the part where we hold our breath and hope that nothing horrible happens on someone's whim. Oh I will be so happy when I no longer have to endure this rollercoaster.

I feel guilty because I know that there are many more kids who need help, a home, an advocate, something. But right now *I* can't be that anymore. I feel guilty knowing that there are kids in the system that don't have the option of stepping off the rollercoaster whenever they feel like it. I feel guilty trying to concentrate on my family's needs when so many are needier...and don't have a family.

Peekaboo

Just a peekaboo at baby CJ. His fine hair is finally starting to show the hint of some beautiful curls to come.

Resources

In the foster care world foster/adoptive families are often called "Resource families". After yesterday's placement call and the impending placement possibilities of CJ's sibling(s) and Ekida's soon-to-be-born sibling I'm trying to decide how much of a resource we are.

How much can we handle emotionally? What is the best decision for our family right now? How much can we give of ourselves? I've written before about "The need is the calling" but the need is so great I personally will never be able to fill it. How much can one family do? I don't know.

I'm usually a very logical person. I define a problem, list a set of criteria that would define the answer and then test conclusions based on that logic. There is no logic here. These are tough decisions. Today I'm agonizing over things that are really beyond my control.

Missouri's Waiting Kids

Just some sad facts today:

Who are Missouri's children waiting in the foster care system?

11,681 children are waiting in foster care
29% of foster children are between ages of 0 and 5
30% of foster children are between ages of 6 and 12
41% of foster children are between ages of 13 and 21
Average number of birthdays a child spends in foster care: 2 birthdays (26 months)
55% of children experience three or more foster care placements
15% (1,773) of children live in group care or institutional settings

What are Missouri's foster children waiting for?

6,095 (52%) are waiting to be reunified with their birth families
3,192 (27%) are waiting to be adopted
Average time foster care children have been waiting to be adopted: 36 months

Where did Missouri's children go after leaving foster care in 2004?

6,047 children exited foster care
3,374 (56%) were returned to their parents
1,337 (22%) were adopted
842 (14%) left to live with relatives or via guardianships
329 (5%) "aged out" of foster care at 18 or older
165 (3%) left for other reasons (ran away, transferred, died)

*Data from AFCARS (2004), ASPE Claims Reports (2005), and ACF Budget Reports (2005).

Sharing Info

As a foster/adoptive parent I often struggle with sharing my children's info with others. I want to be able to share my life like a typical parent, asking for advice and venting when frustrated. On the other hand I don't want to share too much info that I will regret it later (Oh, she's a drug baby...that's why she does that) or worry that I might be compromising a foster child's privacy.

I struggle with that here on the blog too. So sometimes big things are happening in my world and I'm not sure how to phrase it or how much to tell here. I want to share my experiences with the system to inform and to advocate......and to feel a sense of community. One of the hardest parts of being an "employee" of the system is not having the support and network of close "co-workers". At an office job it's often easy to relate the woes of a work day with someone over the cubicle.

So in a way having this blog and reading other foster/adoptive blogs is a lot like corporate "Knowledge Management" Knowledge management is described as “the process of capturing and sharing a community’s collective expertise to fulfill its mission.”

Thanks for stopping by my cubicle today.

Hey do you smell cake?

A Call

My last placement, Baby Ekida, was moved to the foster home that had her older sibling. I was just updated by her CASA worker that her case will be moving to terminate parental rights and recommend adoption by the foster parents. I'm happy that she will have some permanency rather quickly and that she will share her life with her sibling.

I'm sad to hear that her family may need us again. Mom is pregnant and they have asked if we would be willing to take the new baby when it comes into care. We said yes. The other foster family is unable to take any more children and they know that we will maintain sibling contact.

I don't know if we will actually get called, mom has tried to hide this pregnancy and she left the state to give birth to Ekida in order to escape DFS.

So for now...we wait and see.

Jo's hair is getting so long that I'm able to do less parts and I think it makes her look soooo much older. That can't be my tiny 4 lb baby....can it?

DP and I have really been having some heart to heart talks about continuing to foster. Sometimes I think that it's so much easier now that everyone is walking, talking and sleeping through the night that I would be nuts to shake things up.

I was gently reminded today that I am called. It really doesn't matter whether or not I'm ready...I am called.

Ready, set, go!

So if you havn't noticed my timeline has been updated with a date that hasn't happened yet. We have decided to open up to another foster placement once we know Lili has transitioned to preschool successfully. I'm now very optimistic that she will.

Lili has blossomed in the past week or so. Learning to walk independantly has opened up a whole new world for her. She is learning new skills every second, trying to repeat everything we say and attempting to be an independant two year old. She has also begun "melting" into you when you hold her. She has always been so stiff and rigid, we had to teach her how to be held. This past week she even fell asleep in my arms. She also brought me a blankie and crawled up into my lap. wow. So many things have just "clicked" for her. She has been so happy. I think preschool is going to continue to open up the world for her, being able to communicate will make her get frustrated less and make her an even happier girl. I'm so proud of her. Her PT even said she no longer needs splints and we can go down to an in-shoe orthotic since she is walking so straight and strong. Yeah Lili!

So I'm officially "in between" placements and having some down time. I'm preparing for another placement by doing a bunch of projects and organizing the house. The spare bedroom will become the "boys room". We're going to wait a few weeks to tell our caseworker so we don't get bombarded with calls and take a placement before we're ready.

Ready, set, go!

My Foster Journey.. Chapter One: The Seed

I'm not really sure how the original seed to foster was planted. I was 24 years old and had just purchased a four bedroom house by myself. I called to get the information packet to become a foster parent. I was sort of in between relationships at the time and was ready to be a parent. I never followed through with that original call but did buy a few books and a subscription to Fostering Today and Adoptive Families magazines that year.

A year later I met my future wife. During that time I worked at a custom framing shop inside a large retail store. The president of our local foster care organization happened to come in with her two (cute and well behaved) foster children. I asked her lots of questions about fostering and she wrote her name and number on the back of one of our business cards. That was "the seed" that planted the idea. I kept that card and about a year later we called & began the process together to become foster parents.

I try to plant that seed now in others. For me- a part of being an advocate for children in foster care is often advocating for others to open their hearts and homes to foster kids/waiting children. In the aisle of the grocery store, at the park, in the check out of Home Depot...whenever people are curious about our family. Recently three (well couples...so six) friends have decided to become foster parents after we planted the seed with them. The first set have their first placement, a sweet chubby newborn that allows me to get my baby fix but still sleep through the night. The second set start classes next week. The third have their first homestudy visit this week.